Mathematical romance

How about some mathematical romance, now?

1) You are my perfect reciprocal. Our product makes us ONE.

2) Your claim that you love me is always proved to be true through hypothesis testing.

3) We are so close that our happiness is correlated to the extent of +1.

(The maximum value that the correlation coefficient can take is +1)

4) The trend line of our love only slopes upward, babe.

5)You are the median of my life. Not affected by extreme ups or downs.

(The median is not affected by extreme values)

6) You are the index number which only shows an increase in our love on a timely basis.

7) The probability that I will fall for you, every time I see you again, is 1.

So, will you be my reciprocal?

Love, 
Sanika.

Financial romance – Part 2

Why stop at part 1? Romance should never come to an end (And this logic applies to financial knowledge too).

1) You are that intraday bet which can never go wrong.

2) I’m positive that giving you my heart will keep it insured and give it Jeevan Anand.

(Jeevan Anand- LIC’s insurance policy)

3) Your love is like the State Bank of India. It’s flowing through all my veins.

(The State Bank of India is the largest public sector bank in India, which has it’s reach throughout the country. Gazillion subsidiaries)

4) You are that savings account which gives me 69% interest.

(Currently, Yes Bank gives you the highest interest rate of 7% on a savings account)

5) You are the fixed deposit that is going to take care of my life with a long term perspective in mind.

6) You are the current account through which I want to keep making transactions.

7) In the IPO of my heart, I allotted you all the shares.

8) I am your Raghu. You are my Rajan.

(Raghuram Rajan)

So, will you be my Rajan? 😆

-Sanika

Financial romance

I’ve come up with a list of financial pick up lines. If I ever become a teacher, I’m going to end up teaching concepts in the following manner.

1) Be my fixed cost baby. No matter how many ups or downs occur in my sales, I want you to be my constant.

( Fixed cost remains constant regardless of change in sales)

2) I want you to be the debt that causes the return to the shareholders owning my heart to increase.

(Debt .i.e leverage increases earnings per share (return for the shareholders))

3) You are my ideal debt equity ratio. You give my life an optimum capital structure.

(The ideal debt equity ratio is the ratio which gives you the lowest WACC, and thus gives you an optimum capital structure)

4) You are a risky investment for my love but I’m willing to take this risk for the higher return that lies in store for me.

(Higher the risk, higher is the potential return)

5) Our love is that stock which keeps hitting the upper circuit everyday.

(The upper circuit is the maximum permissible price that a stock can take when it’s price increases, on a particular trading day. The upper circuit is decided by the Stock Exchange)

6) You are the IRR which gives me a positive NPV 🙂 Perfect investment opportunity for my heart!

(IRR= Internal Rate of Return. It is the rate which you use to discount future cash flows to get their present value. NPV= Net Present Value) 

Hehe. Happy Sunday.

-Sanika

WhatsApp display name suggestions

Grinning like an evil-but-cute-at-the-same-time child, I’d like to present the following WhatsApp Account display names that I have come up with. Don’t judge me. Just read and laugh. Feel free to use my suggestions so that the name that appears when someone gets your message stuns and shocks them and makes them feel like a deer stuck on a highway at night between car headlights.

1)“Your drug dealer”

Be careful that this is not your account name when you are texting your Manager and Supreme Boss. I repeat. Mission abort. Apart from that, no worries. May the chaos begin.

2)“Teri maa ka…….Shivaji Park”

Bored of saying Sakinaka.

I know that this is derived from a highly offensive yet commonly used Hindi gaali. Yet, it’ll be fun to have a scandalous display name.

3)“Guess”

Let people keep guessing who you are. Drive them crazy.

4)“You know who”

Take the guessing game to the next level.

5)”Aapki naani”

This one is for when you are feeling very wise all of a sudden and as if you have gained some profound knowledge about life and our universe.

6)“Future dictator”

Early indications of the power you shall hold over the rest of the mere mortals in near future.

7)“Terminator

Rage mode activated. You piss me off and I blow you to bits and pieces and reduce you to ash. Baat khatam.

8)“Heatler”

Because you are that version of Hitler who kills everyone with your hotness.

9)“You”

Because getting a text from yourself is unusual and creepy.

That’s all. Make me proud.

-Agent Pandy

The pink eye battle

Watched an episode of a tv show I love. In that, everyone ends up with conjunctivitis (or what is also called as pink eye, presumably, to make it sound cute). That reminded me of when I got pink eye and the trauma that the so called pinky can give you. So, cheers to old memories, a bad case of pink eye and another chapter of my to-be written memoir, in advance.

The worst part about getting an eye infection is not the infection. It’s the reaction that you get from every fellow human being. When my eyes were blessed with this not-so-pretty infection, approx. 80 people looked into my blood-shot eyes and asked, ‘Kya hua tujhe’?
Now buddy, let’s consider the possibilities, shall we?
1st possibility- I got smacked.
Ruled out because- No one will be so angry that he/she will box me in both my eyes and try to match the intensity of colour in both of them. Bhai, yeh aisa kaisa ghussa?

2nd possibility- Consumption of alcohol.

Ruled out because- Sorry but not sorry, whoever can look at my innocent face and think of such a possibility is a universally deemed donkey.

3rd possibility- Infection. 

Which not one single person said other than my mom!

People came up to me and said, “Arre teri aankhein bahot laal hai yaar'”.
My mental response to this statement: Something called a mirror has been invented in which you can see yourself and is owned by all people on the planet. However, thank you very much for your ‘mind-blasting’ observation.  Even Sherlock will blush, looking at this one. And yes, brain mein locha hai kya? 😛

My real response- Yeah. I know. *Sighs*

(Couldn’t give them the original mental response or else I would have landed up with a bad case of black eye too. Abh aise karte karte, colourful eyes nahi chahiye).

Pink eye can be frustrating, with the pricking pain and the white sticky stuff coming out of your eye which seems completely foreign to you. It’s like you are going through some sort of mutation. Also, because of the risk of infection, right from your family members to the rest of the world, everyone looks at you with an expression of disgust and tries to stay away from you. Makes you feel like, a sort of an outcast. As if you have been exposed to some highly radioactive substance and need to be quarantined. It’s a lonely battle.

Speaking of which, the monkey emoji on WhatsApp seems to have a bad case of eye infection. He always hides his eyes👉🙈
 🐵I hope you never get it.

Happy Sunday!
~Agent Pandy

Note : To make it not so lonely, don’t forget to give your friend a hug when you get pink eye. Hey, we share our joys and sorrows, right? Why not a holiday with pink eye too? 
(Kidding. Don’t run away from me)

  
Muahahaha! 

Amusing WhatsApp Statuses

Some WhatsApp statuses never fail to amuse me. It’s pretty funny when people upload statuses in a context which only they can understand.

1) “Finally over!!!”
Kya khatam hua? Exams ya 14 saal ka vanvaas?
2) “Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes”

Haan bhai, yeh toh malum hi nahi tha! Mujhe laga ki dettol laga ke, band-aid lagaake goli magically dissappear ho jayegi! 

3) “Best day ever!”
Kyun aisa kya hua?

Beta hua hai ya beti?

lottery lagi hai?

Rickshaw ke liye kum paise lage ya fir dress pe discount mil gaya?

Aapka best day ever toh ek baar se jyaada aata hai ji. Lol.

4) “Off”
Off? Off kiya fan? AC?

 Aapke dimaag ka switch?🙊

5) “Just one more day!”
For what? Your wedding? The end of the world?

Please inform me in advance. I have a secret hiding place on Mars and can make the necessary arrangements in time.

6) “Dead”💀
Shit, matlab aapka status toh bhoot ne likha hai! Oh my god. Bhaaagoooo!🏃
~Sanika

New Year Resolutions 2015

Let me inform you right now itself, that if you are expecting to find a list of career-oriented or meticulously planned resolutions here, you will be highly disappointed.

I bet my million dollar humour, that I may not have fulfilled my resolutions for last year, the year before that, or the year when I first made them (Not that I remember them).

I am just not that kind of person.

I have made a list of resolutions which are impossible to not be fulfilled. How?
You shall find out now.
*Gives an evil grin*

1) I shall read more books.
( Please note : I have not mentioned the exact number. Trying to be clever here)

2) I shall eat more healthy food.
(I haven’t mentioned when I will eat that and how frequently. Stocked my fridge with a few veggies anyway. Let us sincerely hope that they are consumed)

3) I shall exercise.
(No mention of how often or for what duration of time. So if one day I just do it for 50 secs, no resolution can challenge me)

4) I shall smile.
I hope you will too. There are a lot of things happening around us that tend to make us grumpy, angry or annoyed sometimes. Let us make a resolution of doing that less and smiling and showing off our white brushed teeth to the world (I hope you brushed your teeth today).
Time to be the unofficial advertisers of toothpaste brands.
Smile please. Cheeese!

5) I will forgive myself.
All of us do a lot of silly and stupid things in life. Some are known to others. Some are not. And deep down we keep feeling embarrassed, whether it happened yesterday or when we were in the 6th grade. Let us make an assumption that there are people on this planet who are even more silly than us and move forward.

6) I shall sleep less.
(I hope to wriggle out of this one by sleeping for 10 hours 59 minutes instead of 11 hours)

I hope these resolutions of mine will help you make your own (especially if you too find it difficult to fulfil them).
Don’t treat yourself like a pressure cooker.
Do things at your own pace. All your resolutions will be fulfilled (Unless it is something like getting a body like Kim Kardashian in under 10 days. *Rolls eyes*).

Be happy and let the pressure of fulfilling resolutions evaporate.

Lots of love,

Your fellow resolution breaker (Experience : 1996-2014)

Horror Movie Quirks

BE AFRAID…..BE VERY AFRAID!

I find certain things about horror movies stupid.

#1 Light lagao

(Turn the lights on)

Heard a squeak? Heard any bump? Heard running footsteps?

Every person in a horror movie feels the need to turn into an investigator. Don’t they understand that this is highly detrimental for their existence?

I mean, HELLO…..

You got a sniper rifle shoved up your ass? Or an in-built Holy Cross which will repel all demonic forces?

How exactly are you planning to defeat that thingy that made that creepy sound in the living room of your house? Are you out of your suddenly retarded mind?

And let us consider the possibility that the lights went out on their own.

Diya jaale naa jaaale, invertor bitha ke rakho.

Sleep with the lights on if required. 24/7.

#2 Home sweet home

Itna bada ghar lekar aapko kya praapt hua?

That also, such a rotten home situated in the middle of nowhere. Bakvaas choice, I tell you. And every family feels the need to maximise the number of kids that they have. Ek do se khush nahi rahenge. It is a pre requisite to keep popping out more so that there are more people who will get freaked out in the movie.

#3 The white ghosts

I have no idea why ghosts are depicted to be dressed in white. All-the-freakin-time.

That reminds me of the advertisement-

Safedi ke aage…Ujaaala!

Arre aisa koi rule/law hai kya? That says that no ghost can wear your kid’s angry birds tee-shirt and roam around the house?

Do not deny ghosts some fashion sense!

And also, one fixed character in almost all horror movies is a girl, dressed in white, roaming around with her hair loose and uncombed. Someone needs to give her a comb, a shampoo, ironing tongs and a few makeup essentials. No need for Colossal Kajal considering that her eyes look horrifying anyway.

#4 Oh jee, sunte ho? (Hey honey, are you listening?)

The main protagonist in distress is usually a lady. And more than often, when she is facing death, her husband will be away on a business trip.

What a blissful time to be focused on one’s career, right?

And when she tells her husband about the horrifying experiences she has faced, he will request her to turn to someone for help. He will obviously think that uske brain mein kuch toh locha hai.

Kuch toh locha hai, Daya.

Despite of being aware of his wife’s troubles, he will go for work and not come back for a looooongggg time (Stretched the word long for extra emphasis).

“Biwi bachche jaane do ghost ki bahon mein, main toh chala apna promotion lene”.

(Let the wife and kids enter into the ghost’s arms. I have a promotion to go and grab)

And then Mr Perfect Husband/bf aayega milkha singh ka opposite banke, to save her when she is almost about to die. After all, it is extremely important to end the whole thing with a kiss between them. Hence, the late entry.

#5 Bachcha jaaye bhaad mein (Forget about the baby)

More than often, the movie always has cute young babies. And almost always, jaise non-Indians ki pratha hai, they are made to sleep in separate rooms!

Hai rabba. That poor baby must feel so lonely. Woh choti si nanhi si jaan. My heart melts and worries about that kid. More than its parents. Then I spend the rest of my time while watching that movie, wishing that I could enter the movie with my Sniper Rifle or the holy cross or whatever the hell I require to stay alive, grab the baby and bring it back home. Because its parents don’t seem really bothered you know.

That’s all folks.

Lots of love.

Note: I might come to your house tonight to freak you out (in my ghost avatar). Be afraid, be very afraid 😛

Can I get a dog, please?

I told my dad,

I had a wish.

I wanted a pet,

A dog or a fish.

I prefer a loyal dog,

Who I could play with all day long.

A furry little creature,

Gentle yet strong.

I could take him for a walk,

And always have company.

People will look at us,

And smile at me and my puppy.

Someone who will wait eagerly,

Till I reach home.

A dog who will be loyal,

And never leave me alone.

A dog who will sleep besides me,

And listen to my bedtime stories.

A real soft toy to cuddle me,

Till I fall asleep.

I will never feel lonely,

And bored in my life.

It will be a responsibility,

Which will be alright.

A furry little creature,

Who will wake me up early.

A dog who will pose for selfies,

And become a Facebook celebrity.

We will make funny videos,

Incredible vines.

And funny memes,

With captions divine.

So dear daddy
Can I get a dog, please?

How I behave when I am in love

Hello. Hi. Namaskar.

This article, as the name suggests, consists of all those things people do when they are love-struck. I am sure many of you will find it relatable. Take pleasure in the fact that you are not the only one who does all this young love-struck dramatic shit. For convenience I have written the article as if it is happening to me. Step into my shoes and imagine yourself as the one we are talking about.

#Stage 1- Mere sapnon ke raaja, kab aaoge tum?

(My dear prince, when will you come?)

This stage consists of basically believing in 80% fake romance novels and movies and then waiting for my prince charming to come and take me for a world tour in his sexy antique car. (A white horse would be too outdated. Also, cycle chalaane waala nahi chahiye mujhe.)

(I don’t want a guy who rides a bicycle)

I will glance outside my window and imagine scenarios in which I will be romancing a very handsome person. Then, eventually after I realise that I am still very much single, I will stop thinking about it and state very frankly that, ” Love is not meant for me”. If none of you have heard/said this shit, you are lying to me, bro.

I hate liars, Pushpa…

*Tries to imitate Srk, fails and then bangs head against the wall*

#Stage 2 – The invasion

At that point of my life when I am extremely focused on all my priorities and very busy, achanak se ek gadha mere life mien aayega. And the irony is, ki mujhe usse pyaar ho jayega.

#Stage 3- Kuch kuch hota hai

In this stage, I will be getting acquainted with that guy. Whats App will become a daily ritual. (Postal service fast hota toh old times ki tarah letters likh ke bhejh deti.#classicloveletters)

(If the postal service was fast, I would’ve used that)

My day will start with the thought of him and it will end with the thought of him. In short, mansik santulan hilna chaalu ho chuka hai iss stage mien.
*Pretends to be a doc while saying this*

(My brain will go haywire)

I will wait for Mr Donkey’s texts 24/7. Aur jab text finally aayega, mera dil butterfly ki tarah khushi ki vajah se khidki ke bahar udd jayega.

(When a text will arrive from him, my happy heart will fly out like a butterfly through the window!)

Iss dil ka kya karu..mein kya karun??

Thoda frustration bhi aa jayega ki mujhe isse baat karne ki aadat padh gayi hai.

(What do I do about my heart? I wil feel a little upset about the fact that I am getting used to talk to him)

#Stage 4- Yeh mera dil….pyaar ka diwaana

(Stage 4-My heart is fond of love)

Chatting has become a fixed part of our routines. Now everything that will happen around me will make me feel like it is God’s not-so-secret conspiracy. I will be able to relate to every damn love song, which in a normal situation would have made me roll me eyes and puke.And then I will imagine me and my bae in every movie I will watch in the theatre.

Bang Bang mein Katrina aur Hrithik nahi, mein aur Mr Donkey dikhai denge.

Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pam paaaraa…

Every time someone will mention Mr Donkey’s name, meta dil summersaults karega.(My heart will do summersaults every time someone will say his name)

Dil mein laddu footenge. Ek nahi, do nahi, teen nahi, chaar. Foote toh footenge, ek saath Hazaar.

(My heart will jump with joy)

(Arre waah! Yeh toh mini poem ho gayi!! * Gets up and pulls up imaginary collar and then pretends to be silencing an applauding crowd*)

#Stage 5-The blushing phase

I will lose control over that part of my body which controls my brain (Don’t ask me the name of that part. I have forgotten biology).

Every time his name might be mentioned or every time I will remember our conversation, GAME OVER. My cheeks will turn red. Unnecessary unwanted reflex action. And the worst part is that I will try to control it in front of my friends who will coincidentally try to bring up that guy’s name somehow in the topic.

Par iss stage mien abh, uska naam Mr Donkey se Mr Shona mein badal jayega.

(In this stage, I’ll start calling him Honey instead of Mr Donkey)

With that, I will have lost total control over my brain and heart.
But it is not my fault…
Because..
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Dil toh bachcha hai ji….

(My heart is a kid)
Stage 6 and onwards- Kar de mushkil jeena…ishq kameena…
(Love will make my life hard)
Disclaimer: Galti se bhi Sanika Pandit ko koi bhi call karke nahi poochega ki usse pyaar ho gaya hai kya. Think before you do so. Uske guns ready hai.

That’s all folks.

Stay tuned for more.

Lots of love.