BE AFRAID…..BE VERY AFRAID!
I find certain things about horror movies stupid.
#1 Light lagao
(Turn the lights on)
Heard a squeak? Heard any bump? Heard running footsteps?
Every person in a horror movie feels the need to turn into an investigator. Don’t they understand that this is highly detrimental for their existence?
I mean, HELLO…..
You got a sniper rifle shoved up your ass? Or an in-built Holy Cross which will repel all demonic forces?
How exactly are you planning to defeat that thingy that made that creepy sound in the living room of your house? Are you out of your suddenly retarded mind?
And let us consider the possibility that the lights went out on their own.
Diya jaale naa jaaale, invertor bitha ke rakho.
Sleep with the lights on if required. 24/7.
#2 Home sweet home
Itna bada ghar lekar aapko kya praapt hua?
That also, such a rotten home situated in the middle of nowhere. Bakvaas choice, I tell you. And every family feels the need to maximise the number of kids that they have. Ek do se khush nahi rahenge. It is a pre requisite to keep popping out more so that there are more people who will get freaked out in the movie.
#3 The white ghosts
I have no idea why ghosts are depicted to be dressed in white. All-the-freakin-time.
That reminds me of the advertisement-
Safedi ke aage…Ujaaala!
Arre aisa koi rule/law hai kya? That says that no ghost can wear your kid’s angry birds tee-shirt and roam around the house?
Do not deny ghosts some fashion sense!
And also, one fixed character in almost all horror movies is a girl, dressed in white, roaming around with her hair loose and uncombed. Someone needs to give her a comb, a shampoo, ironing tongs and a few makeup essentials. No need for Colossal Kajal considering that her eyes look horrifying anyway.
#4 Oh jee, sunte ho? (Hey honey, are you listening?)
The main protagonist in distress is usually a lady. And more than often, when she is facing death, her husband will be away on a business trip.
What a blissful time to be focused on one’s career, right?
And when she tells her husband about the horrifying experiences she has faced, he will request her to turn to someone for help. He will obviously think that uske brain mein kuch toh locha hai.
Kuch toh locha hai, Daya.
Despite of being aware of his wife’s troubles, he will go for work and not come back for a looooongggg time (Stretched the word long for extra emphasis).
“Biwi bachche jaane do ghost ki bahon mein, main toh chala apna promotion lene”.
(Let the wife and kids enter into the ghost’s arms. I have a promotion to go and grab)
And then Mr Perfect Husband/bf aayega milkha singh ka opposite banke, to save her when she is almost about to die. After all, it is extremely important to end the whole thing with a kiss between them. Hence, the late entry.
#5 Bachcha jaaye bhaad mein (Forget about the baby)
More than often, the movie always has cute young babies. And almost always, jaise non-Indians ki pratha hai, they are made to sleep in separate rooms!
Hai rabba. That poor baby must feel so lonely. Woh choti si nanhi si jaan. My heart melts and worries about that kid. More than its parents. Then I spend the rest of my time while watching that movie, wishing that I could enter the movie with my Sniper Rifle or the holy cross or whatever the hell I require to stay alive, grab the baby and bring it back home. Because its parents don’t seem really bothered you know.
That’s all folks.
Lots of love.
Note: I might come to your house tonight to freak you out (in my ghost avatar). Be afraid, be very afraid 😛
Sanika Pandit 