The Excitement Attack

Hey buddies.

I wonder if you guys have noticed that there exists a special species of people who suffer from excitement attacks. These people like to use exclamation marks everywhere, on every social media to show how excited and happy they are. And let us not forget, that more than often, these statuses are full of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

Mistakes which make the preservers of the sanctity of the language mentally say ‘RIP english’ around two billion times a year (Approx.).

I’m not talking about one or two exclamation marks which are used. Woh toh theek hai yaar. (Even this is ok)

Par yeh dekho:
(But look at this)

Yay!!! Freshers partayy!!! Wohoo!!! Had so much fun!! Love ma bitches!!!!! Best day!!!
#party #freshers #fun #amazing #bitches #dancing #pretty #edm #love #friends

Once, I came across an article written by some mutual friend on Facebook.
At the end of every damn sentence, there were 3 exclamation marks.
While reading, my heart rate went on escalating at a high rate with the end of every statement. Finally when I realised that it was detrimental for my health, I stopped reading.

Hadd hoti hai yaar!
(There is a limit!)

(I refuse to reveal the identity of that person or else you might find me beaten black and blue tomorrow. And I don’t really want to look like a blueberry)

Also, have you ever heard of a girl shrieking with happiness? I’m sure that if you’re a guy, you’ll definitely be able to relate to this. I know you hate it. I feel you, buddy.

I was sitting on a bench in college, very chilled out, observing people around me.
All of a sudden, a girl shrieked and I almost jumped in my seat. It was as if I was a startled goat caught between the headlights of cars on the highway.

See I can be understanding if someone screams if –
1) Their phone falls. (For today’s generation, this is equivalent to death)
2) They find out that Narendra Modi is going to felicitate them. (This is an extremely hypothetical example. Seriously mat lo (Don’t take it seriously))
3) Their favourite team wins a game. (In football or cricket or whatever)

But without any reason, making such weird noises disrupts the peace of the universe for that split second. Also, when the volume is high, it feels like your ears will split into two.Arre pyaare bachcho, ‘keep calm’ ka jamaana hai. (Dear kids, keep calm is the current trend)

Don’t contradict it.

Disclaimer: Once in a blue moon, an excited spirit enters the body of Sanika Pandit. And then she doesn’t stop herself from using exclamation marks!!!!! (Only during texting. She is quite calm when it comes to writing statuses. God bless her)

That’s all folks.
Stay tuned for more.
Lots of love.

Girl Problems

Hello beautiful guys and girls.

Dear reader,
If you are a girl, you should read this article because it is totally relatable.
If you are a guy, you should read this article to be aware of how hard being a girl is. This would be your first step to understanding why we are, the way we are.

1) Hair

My hair might look like Beyonce’s hair before i leave the house.
The moment i leave my house, a strong wind will blow past me.
Forget about Beyonce’s hair. I will end up looking like freaking Medusa.

A spray should be invented which will help keep your hairstyle intact no matter how strong the wind is. Super strong hair gel.

Dear Santa, are you listening?

Also, sometimes it happens that we get a haircut and no one happens to notice it. The worst thing that can be said to a girl who just told you that she got a haircut is :
“Oh ya? I didn’t notice only! You look the same”.

Oh come on. That girl just spent two hours at a parlour. Don’t smash her hopes like that.

After I get a haircut I look like a fab diva. By the time i get home, the bounce is gone and then it is time to cry about it.

The worst thing your hair stylist can say to you is :
“For this style to remain you will have to blow dry your hair at home”.
But hello. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

2) Waxing

This should be illegal. The growth of body hair should stop in humans.
Extensive research should be conducted by scientists for this (Apart from the hair on our heads. I don’t want to look like Pitbull).

Dear future scientists of our generation, are you listening?

Getting waxed is like entering a battle.
And every single moment i have the following thought process-

“My boyfriend better treat me well.
After all, i am getting my skin ripped off for this fellow.”

“Owww that hurt”

“Why can’t you be gentle you not-so-adorable parlour lady?”

“Ok its almost over….”

“Aahhhhh”

“Hush”

“I got through it. I win at life”

“Like a boss baby”

The worst phases of life includes the ‘in between’ phase where the skin on our hands or legs has grown but it hasn’t grown enough so that it can be removed.

Every girl hates this.

3) PMS

Every wondered what suddenly happened to your girlfriend? Why did she get pissed off because of some really silly thing? Why did she say crap like ‘You don’t love me anymore’ and ‘You don’t care about me’?
More than often, chances are that your girlfriend is doing this because of the havoc being caused inside her body.
So guys, this is a lesson for you.
Be more understanding. Your girlfriend may not be crazy. She just has a lot to deal with. Also, never ever ask your girlfriend if she is PMSing. You might get yourself killed.
Thank me for this piece of advice later.

4) Eyebrows.

Girls hate it when their eyebrows grow. But then again, there are two types of girls on the planet.
1st type- This type of girl cannot deal with the growth of even one hair out of the 1100 hairs in each eyebrow.
The moment she spots it, she is going to book an appointment at her nearest parlour ASAP.

2nd type- This type of girl won’t mind if her eyebrows grow to such an extent that she ends up looking like Kochikame (Remember that cartoon? He had joint eyebrows).
This type of girl will get her eyebrows done only when it interferes with her vision.

And let me tell you, waxing and eyebrow threading is extremely painful. So painful that we all feel relieved the moment it is over. Some literally cry.

5) The ‘I don’t know what to wear’ syndrome

Those girls that can manage to get ready in just 10 minutes are blessed.
You rock at life.
But for other girls like me, this is what happens-
We spend a huge amount of time standing in front of our wardrobe, deciding what to wear.
While doing so, we tend to get lost in our thoughts and roam around the room aimlessly.
We play music at times and start dancing.
We find cool stuff in our wardrobe and get distracted.
Then we shortlist clothes and try them on.
Luck does not always favour us.
At times we may find the right top but not the right jeans.
Or we may find the right jeans but not the right top.
And then, we may not find the right accessories.
Sadness is, when you find only one earring of the colour you want to wear, whose twin seems to be kidnapped.

Haha.

I almost forgot to mention shoes. Shoes have the tendency to magically disappear at the last moment. I don’t think that they are very fond of human beings.

So now you know, why it is that some girls take so much time to get ready.

So next time you meet a girl, give her a mental salute. If you are a girl, give yourself a pat on the back. Be proud of yourself babe.

That’s all folks.
Stay tuned for the next article ‘Girl Problems Part 2’.
Lots of love.

MY HONEST RESUME

For homework, I had to write my resume. Like a good girl I wrote the resume according to the format given by my teacher. However, I realised that a formal resume fails to cover some personality quirks which most of us have.

So here you go. A resume which I’m sure many of you can relate to.

SANIKA SANTOSH PANDIT A.K.A Agent Pandy

Address…………………………..

Phone number………………….

Email id……………………………

Objectives : 1) Become filthy rich, own a huge house and a Ferrari.

2) Marry someone like Robert Downey Jr.

3) Go on a mission and save the world.

Education: 1) Student at NMIMS.

2) Devoted social media user since the past 5 years.

Experience: 1) sanikapandit.wordpress.com

2) Been dealing with stupid and unsophisticated people since 1996.

3)I have changed my Whatsapp status more times than the number of hairs on my head.

4) I have listened to at least 900 songs.

Skills:

1) Procrastination

2) I can speak 3 languages: 1) English 2) Sarcasm and 3) Dramatic Shit

3) I can sleep for 12 hours straight.

4) I may not be able to get up at 5 am but I can stay awake till 5 am.

5) I can zone out during a boring lecture (Walter Mitty ishtyle).

6) Fluent in song lyrics and movie dialogues.

7) Kissing.

Please note -No demonstration will be provided.

8) Being cute 24/7.

Hobbies: 1) Watching cat videos.

2) Observing the world via social media and then laughing at silly stuff.

3) Eating

4) Sleeping

Motivation: FOOD

Reference: 1) Pizza Hut

2) Readers of my blog

The ‘Oops! I am so sorry’ moment.

Recently, my friend and I, we went to the college canteen to grab a cold drink. A lanky fair-skinned tall guy was standing very close to one of the stalls. Almost behind it. My friend politely requested him to give her a bottle of cola. Little did she know, that he was a student and did not work there. He was just fooling around near that stall.
The moment he revealed that, her hand flew to her mouth and a river of apologies started to flow.
‘Oops! I am so sorry!’
His friends who were standing nearby burst out in fits of laughter and so did we.

I’m sure that never in life will that guy stand so close to a canteen stall again.

Tip- Don’t try too hard to look cool. Such a backfire will leave your face red like tomatoes.

Well, these mistaken identity situations are very common.

I, myself, have walked into a shoe store and approached a man wearing black for a pair of shoes.
Turned out that he was a customer and i instantly apologised.
(Well, technically it wasn’t my fault because all the employees there wore black).
It was an unlucky coincidence for that guy I guess.

Tip- Wearing plain tee-shirts can be misleading for other people. Avoid.

This reminds me of the movie Confessions of A Shopaholic. In it, the leading protagonist, Rebecca Bloomwood gets mistaken for a waitress at a party because of wearing a similar dress by mistake.

Barack Obama was mistaken as a waiter and was told to get a drink at a party.

I genuinely respect those who respond politely and feel afraid of those who give a ‘you shall incur the wrath of Jesus for commiting this sin’ look.

I wonder if these ‘mistaken for staff’ people curse innocent people like me before they fall asleep at night.

Is saying sorry enough?

No idea. Let me know if you do.

Brain mein locha hai kya?

I think its pretty common to come across people with the ‘locha-e-brain’ syndrome. (Locha-e-ulfat gaana toh suna hi hoga)

These people tend to ask questions which have very obvious answers. I went to the girl’s washroom the other day and witnessed a conversation. One girl asked the other, ‘dude, did you cut your hair?’.
The other girl’s hair seemed to be reduced to half its original length. Still the first girl felt the need to ask her a question, the answer to which was very obvious. Figuring out someone’s reduced hair is not exactly rocket science.

Why do people ask such questions? Hair is not going to leave anyone’s head due to boredom and go on a vacation, is it?
Why ask someone if they have coloured their hair when you can see it with your god-gifted eyes?
I mean, red hair doesn’t just appear as and when it wishes to.

Yeh toh fir bhi theek hai.
Whenever i reach home and pick up the landline if it rings, people ask me ‘Ghar aa gayi kya?’.
No dude, mein mainroad pe landline leke ghoom rahi hoon.

Some people keep sending texts saying ‘Are you there?’. Offline hoon, dikhta nahi kya? Should i felicitate your query with a pair of much needed specks?

(Note- I have removed the outrageous spelling errors which i get as a free gift with these texts)

I guess, inn sab logon ke brain mein locha hai. Why not ask some logical questions, instead?
Taher Shah ne itne pyaar se ‘eye to eye’ gaana likha hai. Watch it and get inspired to use your eyes.

Maybe the only way to stop them would be to keep staring at them with your jaw dropped every time they ask such a question.

Disclaimer- Sanika Pandit also tends to ask questions which have obvious answers sometimes. Lagta hai uske bhi brain mein thoda locha hai!

The ‘Ssup’ trend

Hello folks!

There are certain things that people say that really confuse me. I don’t understand how to respond. Kindly give me suggestions.

1) Those good old days are gone when we greeted each other saying ‘hi’.
Now it has changed to ‘SSUP’.
How should I respond?
Should I say, ‘a well developed ceiling which hopefully won’t fall on my head’ or ‘ a beautiful blue sky with birds flying around and shitting everywhere’.
( Saying ‘nothing much’ is too boring and makes me feel like a jobless loser)

2) When you have the option to end a conversation, I don’t know why people resort to using words such as ‘hmm’, ‘ohk’ and ‘ohh’ (with varying number of H) and lengthen it unnecessarily.

Disclaimer- Sanika Pandit has been influenced by people and has admitted to making both the mistakes above. She is taking efforts to curb these annoying habits. Kindly support her in the effort to curb this destruction of etiquettes and shoot the people who do so.